Utter Nonsense
by Padfoot's Blondie
Summary: When James enters the common room with an unconscious Remus late at night, he discovers that Sirius has waited up for them. Comedy and nonsense ensues. Rated T just cuz i feel like it. One-shot


**Heyy, guys! Just letting everyone know, I was extremely bored and tired when I wrote this, so don't hold my randomness and strangeness against me! Read, review, and have the odd chortle as you plunder along in the storyland of J.K Rowling's corrupted characters! :D Enjoy!**

Remus and James walked into the common room at about one o'clock in the morning. Or rather, James was walking and Remus was being half dragged, half pushed along by James. Sirius was waiting up for the two of them, just staring into the fire.

When Sirius saw James and Remus, he stood up and stood ramrod straight, making himself as foreboding and as scary as possible (which didn't really work at all).

"And just where the bloody hell do you two think you've been?" Sirius asked the two menacingly.

James looked at Remus as if hoping to share an eye roll at the mercy of their friend's ignorance, but seeing as Remus was currently unconscious and incapacitated, this was rather a waste of time.

James, seeing the lack of response and physical capability in Remus, rolled his eyes extra hard for the two of them. In doing so, he suspected he damaged several major arteries and muscles in his eye as they began hurting extremely bad, but that was beside the point, as Remus needed him to supply an eye roll.

This was just a concept simply everyone in the world knew and respected. When someone was unable to give an eye roll at something irrevocably stupid, that eye roll had to be supplied for them by one of their best mates.

But back to the matter at hand.

"Well, I don't know, Sirius," James stated in a voice that was just dripping in sarcasm. "Why don't you tell me where we've been?" James sneaked in another mini eye roll.

Then it was Sirius's turn to roll his eyes. "God, James. If I knew where you were I'd have gone to bed long ago and not given it another thought, you filthy mongrel. Anyway, what's wrong with Moony? He looks like a piece of bread that's been toasted one too many times." Sirius took on the pose of the _Thinker_; one he thought suited him quite well.

James could not resist another eye roll. "Sirius, stop being an insufferable git. If you must know, Remus and I had some unfinished business to attend to."

Sirius was seething underneath his (supposedly) calm exterior. How dare James go on one of their exciting escapades without him! James was going to pay, oh yes he was!

James squinted his eyes in confusion and sympathy for his mate. "Sirius, mate, what in the bloody name of Merlin are you muttering about?"

Sirius gasped wildly and whipped his head around to face James, although he already had been facing James in the first place so it just kind of resulted in Sirius rapidly swinging his head back and forth.

"How could you think such a dastardly thing, James?" Sirius cried dramatically. "I do not mutter to myself!"

James felt even more confused. In fact, he was so confused that he dropped the Remus that he had been holding up in order to scratch his head with both hands. He felt the matter was serious enough to forget about his werewolf friend's well being for the moment. Sirius, however, seemed to disagree.

Sirius rushed forward and began frantically slapping Remus on the face. "Remus!" Sirius screamed at the top of his lungs. "Remus, come back to us, buddy! We need you! We're home, Mr. Frodo! You can wake up now! We're back in the Shire! It's okay! Re-".

Sirius was forcibly thrown off poor Remus as James punched him in the face as hard as he could. Sirius felt the unnecessary blood run down his face as he glared at James. This one was sure to leave a mark, and Sirius Black could not have marks on his face, no he could not!

"_Sirius, do you want to wake up the whole bloody castle? It's one o'clock in the friggin' morning, in case you hadn't noticed!" _James roared at the top of his lungs.

All of a sudden, they heard a noise coming from Remus! They both crouched down around him and crowded him until they were both forcefully blown about ten feet each away from Remus.

Remus chuckled to himself. "Gotta have my personal space, m'boys. And when that space is breached, everyone in the vicinity pays."

Sirius cocked his head to one side, staring at Remus in awe. "Moony know big big word! Moony tell Siri what big big word mean?" Sirius said this all in a baby voice, which earned him a slap in the face by James, which only served to make the blood flowing from his nose fall more swiftly, and a confuzzled look from Remus.

"Sirius, why the bloody he- you know what, I don't even want to know. Vicinity means the area near or surrounding a particular place." Remus crossed his arms smugly.

"It's like hanging out with a dictionary, except this one you can't throw underneath the bed and never think about it again." James rolled his eyes for quite possibly the fiftieth time that day.

Remus walked over and slapped James on the face, hard. "Take that back!" he shouted.

James rolled his eyes. "God, Remus, chillax."

Remus looked at James quite confusedly. "What In the name of Merlin does 'chillax' mean?"

James sighed in exasperation. His friends simply did not know anything! "It is a combination of 'chill' and 'relax'. Chillax!"

Remus stared at his friend in complete silence for a good ten minutes straight then said, "Right now, James, I can't say I'm proud that you're my friend." Remus shook his head sadly and sat down on the couch next to Sirius, warming his hands.

Sirius put his arm around Remus. "I completely agree, Moony. I wonder what's gotten into him."

James stared at both of them and grinned quite scarily. At that exact moment, a dreamy, eerie, creepy voice floated out from up the dormitory stairs.

The creepy voice sighed dreamily, and whisper/sang, "Well, James, I think you're delightfully charming."

The three Marauders looked at each other nervously.

"Uh, maybe that was Pete being creepy?" James chuckled anxiously.

"No, no," Sirius said, looking preoccupied and staring intently into the fire. "I killed Peter hours ago."

Remus gaped. "You _killed _Peter? Why would you do that?"

Sirius shrugged unconcernedly. "He was annoying the blighters out of me. And I'm not even sure what that means, but it sounds good so I'll go with it."

Remus looked distraught for about a half second then said, "Well okay then. I was getting quite tired of him anyway."

James said, "But that still doesn't solve the issue of who said my name!"

"You imagined it, James," Sirius said. "No one said your name."

"What? You heard it too, both of you!" James protested.

Remus patted James on the head from across the room. "Silly James. So confused."

Sirius slapped Remus extremely hard across the face to get his attention. He was rewarded back with an extremely hard slap across his own face, courtesy of Remus. "What was that for?" He cried.

Remus smirked at him. "Why don't you ask yourself that question and get back to me when you have an answer?"

Sirius ducked his head, and then perked back up almost immediately, remembering why he had indeed slapped Remus in the first place.

"Why did James come in carrying you all mother-hen like?"

Remus grimaced. "I provoked Snape. I told him that his mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries."

Sirius stared at Remus in confusion. "What the bloody-".

Remus shouted to be heard over Sirius's indignant questioning as he struggled to complete his story. "In conclusion," Remus thundered, "Snape hit me with a Stinging Hex, a Jelly Legs curse, Obliviated me, and used Avada Kedavra on me all at the same time!"

Sirius stared at Remus wide-eyed. "I didn't even know that was possible!"

Remus laughed. "Learn something new everyday, Padfoot."

Sirius smacked Remus on the shoulder. "Shut up, Moony, this isn't bloody kindergarten."

Remus gasped. "It isn't? Crap! Why didn't anybody tell me before!" he yelled, before promptly disappearing.

Sirius and James both yawned. "Well, James, my friend, it has been a most excellent night."

James said, "Yes, Sirius, my friend, most bodacious."

And with those most triumphant comments, the two immediately fell asleep after sharing a brotherly eye roll.

**Wow! This is what I get when I'm bored and have nothing better to do :S **

**If you wanna be a kool kat (and yeah, I really just said that. Shut up!) you would REVIEW! But since you've read this far, I'm willing to say that you are already a kool kat because you have stuck with me and this nonsensical piece of crapola. **

**So see if you can spot and tell me what all the references are that I used, and tell me in a review what the things are that I borrowed them from! There are 3 major ones, I think. **

**REVIEW! :D**


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